


just to end up caught in a dream where everything goes wrong

by TheRurrJurr



Series: one step up and two steps back [4]
Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Flashbacks, seriously just angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-09
Updated: 2018-12-09
Packaged: 2019-09-14 14:56:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,381
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16915029
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheRurrJurr/pseuds/TheRurrJurr
Summary: "Letting down T would be the biggest thing. That’s something I couldn’t live with and that’s when I looked at the beginning of this year; what can’t I live with? And letting down Tessa was number one, I think. You know we’ve done all this together, I want to end this on a good note. I don’t see that happening, do you?""Never, no. You couldn't."





	just to end up caught in a dream where everything goes wrong

**Ilderton, Ontario  
December 14, 2018**

He lies in his bed at his parents' house, Maple Leafs bedspread and all. It’s where he’s been for a while now. He’s curled up on his left side, staring straight ahead at a spot on the wall. He can't move. Can't think. He's pretty sure his parents and Charlie are ready to stage an intervention and he doesn't care.

He's getting restless. Maybe in a few hours he'll change positions and stare at the ceiling instead. Or grab his car keys and go for a drive, music blasting and a lead foot on the accelerator. Or go to the rink and shut down the building just so he can aimlessly skate by himself in circles for a few hours, reaching for Tessa's hand because that's what he's used to. And she won't be there, because why should she be right now?

It could be worse, he figures. He could be at the bar downing shots. Flirting with girls who aren't his girlfriend or his partner. At least this time he’s leaving everyone else out of it.

All he's doing is self-destructing. No big deal. He's fixed it before, fixing again shouldn't be that hard.

Tessa's words from earlier in the week echo in his head. "Stop saying that "it just happened," Scott. It didn't just happen. You let it happen."

His mother had said something similar recently out of frustration with him, which was becoming more and more common. "Honey, this didn't come out of nowhere. Stop pretending it did and own up to your actions."

JF's advice to him at the beginning of the comeback haunts him. "You are going to make things happen. They're not going to happen to you. You're going to act, not react."

He knows all of that. Of course he does. He just can't do anything about it.

His phone lights up on the nightstand with another missed call from Jackie. He's been avoiding her, but she'll be in Komoka for Christmas and he agreed to see her while she was in town. So, fine. He'll go and be charming and pleasant for her family. They're still technically together, even if he's been avoiding her. She ranted to him the other day about how mean the fans were being, and how she didn’t like seeing pictures of him and Tessa all over people’s Instagram accounts, and how Tumblr and Twitter were being so awful. He didn’t have the energy to tell her to log the hell off, Tessa had been dealing with worse for years and she’s done okay.

She's not even divorced yet. A smart lawyer would tell her ex-husband to sue for adultery. He could end up in the middle of this. Tessa's barely speaking to him. His parents hate him. How the hell did he end up here.

_It didn't just happen._

***

"You're the opposite, you spent 20 years away from your significant other, and then reconnected, right?"

A slow smile spreads across his face. He's got his earphones plugged into his phone, reviewing all of their media clips from the previous two weeks that Russell just sent over. He still hates watching himself on TV, but it's fun.

He didn't catch Tessa's meaning when she first said it to Marilyn, but watching it back, he's pretty sure that's the first time she's ever directly implied that they're together to the public, even though it went over everyone’s heads.

He doesn't like keeping it quiet, but it'll do for now. There's still too much of a spotlight on them, and they really do want people to focus on their accomplishments over the last 21 years. If being vague or saying "no" is going to get people off their backs (which it never does), then fine. And they really haven't had a chance to discuss "them" or their future yet, but he can't picture spending it any other way or with anyone else. Sometimes that hope and expectation is crushing. But he’s pretty sure he’s ready for it.

One day he'll get to hold her hand in public and not feel like he's doing something dirty. It feels like it's coming soon.

He looks over at her, typing away on her laptop, scrolling through photos they're considering for their book. The sun is setting over Lake Huron and he's just put a lasagna in the oven for dinner. She looks up from her laptop and grins at him. "What?"

He shakes his head and gives her a wink. "Nothing."

How the hell they ended up here after everything they went through, he'll never know. But damn, he's lucky.

***

His phone buzzes when he lands in Sault Ste Marie. Assuming it's Tessa letting him know that she's still waiting for her flight to Cancun, he pulls it out of his pocket before he even stands out of his seat. 

<<Hey stranger! Is it true that I have a cameo role in your cameo? 😉>>

Huh? He racks his brain for who it might be, but his phone buzzes again before he can figure it out.

<<oops awkward. It's Jackie, LOL. Remember, your partner who doesn't have a gold medal 😜 I got your # from Cara. She told me about that show.>>

He smiles. <<Hi! Great to hear from you. Just a little bit of poking fun. Hopefully you're not too offended haha>>

Her response comes a few moments later. <<I doubt I will be. Only offended that you seem to have forgotten about your very first partner.>>

He types out his response. <<No way, you're why this all happened so I should be thanking you. Hope you're doing well!>>

Three dots. <<As well as can be. You're doing great, I can tell.>>

His eyes widen, not completely sure how to react to that. <<Keeping busy haha. Enjoy the rest of your summer.>>

He completely forgets about the text for over a month.

***

Thank You Ilderton is a huge success, roasting by Paul Brandt and all. When the crowds have left and the parking lot clears, he grabs Tessa's hand and leads her through the heavy double doors of the Ilderton Skating Club. He swipes two leftover beers from the concession room and cracks them open. "To the best block party we're ever going to throw."

She meets him for a toast and takes a sip. "To the next block party we throw."

He grins at her and takes her drink, setting it on the ground. "Crazy to think it all started here, eh?" he murmurs in her ear and hugs her, looking around the entrance, his eyes landing on one of the many framed photos of them hung around the room. It’s them at around ages 8 and 10, her in a black dress and him in his suit. They had no idea back then.

She giggles and buries herself in his arms. "Thank God I stopped growing. Where were you going to find another partner to put up with you?"

He pulls her in tighter. "Nowhere." They meet for a kiss. "Thank you for everything. Not just today, but for the last 20 years."

"Almost 21," she corrects him, cupping his cheeks. She leans in for another kiss. "I wouldn't have want to spend them any other way."

They fall asleep together that night on his tiny twin bed, entwined in his Leafs bedspread, exhausted and not bothering to change out of their party clothes.

***

"Jackie Mascarin's grandmother died."

Scott looks over at Cara. "Really? I'm sorry to hear that." They're sitting on his parents' back porch as Charlie's kids splash around in the pool. "You going to the funeral?"

Cara shakes her head. "It's a little far and Andy's got a private event at work that day. You should swing by if you can."

He shrugs. "Tess is getting back this weekend. I should probably make sure the house looks okay."

Cara smiles over at him. "I told her I'd go visit her."

"Tess?"

Cara rolls her eyes. "Jackie. She's down in Florida still. Could be fun." She pauses. "Why don't you come with?"

He sips his water. "When?"

"Labor Day weekend."

He sighs. "We were maybe talking about going to the cottage," he says.

"Bring her with us," Cara offers.

Scott chuckles. "Nah, I think she wants to hang at home for a bit after this trip."

"Tell you what. I'll book the flight and you can cancel if you don't go and not lose any money on it, Mr. Air Canada," Cara laughs.

He smiles. "That sounds fair." He picks at a loose thread on his shirt. "I didn't know you gave her my number."

"Oh yeah, I told her about that "Mr. D" thing," Cara explains. "Are you guys talking?"

Scott shakes his head. "Not since last month. Before that it had been ages. Kind of random."

Cara shrugs. "She asks about you occasionally."

"Probably pissed she quit when she did," he says with a laugh.

There's a scream from the pool. Mason is yanking on Charlotte's hair, Scott jumps in to pull his nephew and niece off of each other, and the conversation is dead.

***

Tessa comes back from France with a healthy tan and a lighter shade of hair, and leaps into his arms as soon as she drops her suitcase in the foyer. "Hi," she greets him.

He grins at her. "Hey." He pulls her in for a long kiss. "I missed you," he murmurs when they break apart.

"I missed you, too," she responds and wraps her arms around him again.

"You gonna let go so I can carry your suitcase up the stairs?" he teases.

She laughs. "No."

They end up on the TV room couch, ordering Thai for dinner, “The Office” on the Netflix queue, her head in his shoulder, and she turns to him. “Hey.”

He grins down at her. “Hey.”

She sits up. “So…I got to do a lot of thinking over there and…”

Scott’s eyebrows shoot up. “Is this the breakup speech?”

She playfully smacks his arm. “No,” she teases. “No, it’s the…I-know-where-I-want-this-to-go-but-we-should-revisit-it-after-the-tour speech.” She looks down at the couch. “I just still think we’re on this insane high and we have another crazy few months ahead of us, and I still need to figure out what’s next, but you’re part of it.”

He gives her a quizzical look. "But I think we both know where this is going, though, right?"

"Yeah, of course." Tessa grabs his hand. "But, you know...logistics. Where are we going to live. If I go for the MBA, where is that happening. Where can you coach. Do you actually want to coach. Do we make this...official-official. There's just a lot." She runs her fingers over his palm. “So...can we table this for now? Just until after the tour. Because things are pretty good as they are, right?"

He’s taken aback a bit, because he thought for sure this was it, but relents. “Okay.”

She looks at him hopefully. “Yeah?”

He winks at her and nods. “It’s not too long, right?” He presses a kiss to her forehead and pulls her into him. “You were worth the wait.”

She grins and settles into his chest. "Thank you, sweetie."

A few hours later, the Netflix screen prompts them with "Still watching?" She's fast asleep in his arms, jetlagged as hell, and he's not far behind her.

He runs his fingers through her hair and kisses the top of her head, pulling her closer and closing his eyes. She's right. This is good.

***

Utah is a quick trip, but the surroundings are beautiful and the hot tub that comes with their room (well, really her room, because they weren’t about to tell Visa to only book one) is even better.

They're relaxing in it on their first night there when he realizes he's left out an important detail.

"I think I'm going to Florida next week."

She looks at him in surprise. "Oh," she says. A beat. "How come?"

He takes a deep breath. "Uh, Cara's heading down to see an old friend and thought I could use the break, and since we never firmed up cottage plans I told her yes," he replies. Seeing Tessa's disappointed look, he switches gears. "I could cancel if you want."

She pauses and shakes her head. "No, no, that's fine. You really haven't had a chance to hang out much with your family." She bites the inside of her cheek. "We'll do something when you get back." She absentmindedly plays with her rings and avoids his eyes.

He knows she's upset so he pulls her into his lap, splashing the water around. "I have an entire tour to make it up to you, right?" he whispers in her ear and she grins.

"You better." She's trying to sound stern but a giggle escapes when he brushes her hair out of the way to tickle her neck.

His lips capture hers. "Trust me."

***

He hasn't seen Jackie in over a year, but she's still a lot of fun, and Florida is a nice change of scenery. They all meet at a bar not too far from her apartment. She and Cara let out a girly squeal upon seeing each other and give each other a tight hug. He’s less enthused.

"It's hotter than hell," he mutters.

“No, this is pretty chill for us,” Jackie insists and looks him up and down. “Wow. You really grew up nice.” She pulls him in for a hug that lasts longer than can he would consider just friendly.

He can feel the heat rising in his cheeks as Cara rolls her eyes.

They put in their order (Miller Lite for him (after being assured that no, American beer is usually much better than that), Cara a glass of white, and Jackie a strawberry daiquiri) and Jackie launches right in with excited questions. He tells her about the upcoming tour, the insane year they've had, asks about her family, and she keeps turning the conversation back to him.

He may not admit it to himself, but it’s kind of nice to have some flattering attention.

“I can’t believe you’re doing all of this after being that annoying kid at the rink,” Jackie giggles. “Just…wow. Good for you.” She places a hand on his arm as Cara gives him a nervous glance. “Hey, would you mind swinging by the hospital tomorrow? I have some coworkers who would love to meet you.”

He looks over at Cara in surprise. “Oh, you told them I was coming?”

Jackie shrugs. “It’s a great party story, “I used to skate with gold medalist Scott Moir and now I don’t”.” She slurps her daiquiri. “They seriously don’t believe me when I tell them that you used to be this dorky kid and now you’ve grown up into…” she gestures up and down to him.

He sips his drink and agrees to show up tomorrow afternoon.

Cara’s driving them back to their hotel when she speaks up. “She can come on a little strong.”

Scott looks up from his phone. “Who? Jackie?”

Cara nods. “Probably a good thing you two didn’t work out as partners. She would have eaten you alive.”

Scott shrugs. “She seems fun.”

Cara cracks up. “Just tread lightly, okay?”

“I’m not going to sleep with her,” he scoffs. “Isn’t she still married?”

Cara shrugs. “Yeah, mostly.”

“And Tess and I are…Tess and I.”

Cara glances over at him. “Fine. Don’t come crying to me when Jackie shows up naked at your hotel room door one night.”

He rolls his eyes and puts it out of his mind.

***

He shows up, as promised, and makes some rounds in the ER for pictures. Jackie’s wearing a little more makeup than any ER worker should and staring up at him more than she ever did when they were kids. It’s flattering and fun. And totally harmless.

“We're actually skating in Nashville this fall,” he says as they leave the hospital. "You should fly up and see us, it’ll be a fun trip. You guys,” he gestures between her and Cara, “could hang out.”

Jackie's eyes light up. "Of course! I'll book my flight today.”

“Great! See you there.” He pulls her in for a hug as Cara looks on, eyeing him nervously.

Jackie strokes her hand up and down his back and he feels something familiar stir inside of him. He backs off before it goes any further.

***

For some reason it's harder to look at Tessa in interviews when he gets back.

Nothing happened in Florida. He flirted a little, caught up with an old friend, hung out in the sun for a little bit. Nothing happened.

So why is it weird all of a sudden?

***

Opening night of the tour is an adrenaline rush that almost rivals Pyeongchang. The audience is on their feet the minute they skate out for the opening number. They shriek when he and the other guys rip their shirts open. They get a standing ovation at the end of the night. It couldn't have gone better.

After "Moulin Rouge" he pulls Tessa into his arms, squeezing her as tight as he can. There's a flurry of frantic "I love yous" from both of them to each other. He leans back so he can get a better angle to whisper in her ear. "For the rest of my life."

She pulls out of the embrace and gives him a smile that illuminates the entire arena. He's pretty sure he doesn't deserve this, but he'll run with it if he's got it.

***

He loves Tessa. He is in love with Tessa. He has always been in love with Tessa.

But sometimes it's really hard to be in love with Tessa.

There's baggage, and emotions, and the outside pressure of “So what are you…” and a working relationship that they have to preserve. Add in the stress of making sponsors happy, crossing the T's and dotting the I's on tour minutiae, sharing a bus and keeping it in the back of his head that they still really don't have plans, personal or professional, for what happens after November 24, and it gets to be a lot.

So when opportunities for some solo time pops up, they tend to take them. It's how it's always been, especially for Tessa, and it's never a big deal.

She’s in the shower in their hotel room in Edmonton when his phone buzzes. <<Hey you! Funny enough I'm near your next few tour stops, I'm in Lake Louise with the family. Fancy coming out here for some fresh air?>>

Jackie? How did she know where they were?

He glances at the bathroom. Eric had mentioned something about going out there with Luis, and maybe he could hitch a ride back with him, it would only be for the day...

He picks up his phone again. <<That sounds fun! I'm all out of hiking equipment, though, so I'll have to pass.>>

Three dots. <<What, they don't have malls out here?>>

He rubs his forehead and ignores the growing pit in his stomach. <<Haha. Let me see what I can manage.>>

He fires off a text to Eric, who is happy to give him a lift but seems surprised, and waits for Tessa to get out of the shower. "Hey."

She's re-tying the knot on her robe. "Yeah?"

"Uh, Eric and I are going up to Lake Louise in a couple days if that's okay."

Her expression is blank. "Okay." She pauses. "What's up there?"

"Actually, I have a family friend staying there for the week." Jackie's just a friend. This isn't a big deal.

"Oh," she says and moves over to her suitcase, rifling through her clothes. "Who?"

He pauses. "Funny enough, it's my first partner."

Tessa looks up at him in confusion. "Jackie?" He nods. "How the hell did she find out where you are?"

He shrugs. "Cara, maybe? Not sure. I actually saw her when I was in Florida last month."

Tessa's face falls. "Oh." She pulls out a pair of sweatpants and a tank top, laying them on the bed next to him.

He shifts forward and grabs her right hand. "Tess."

She closes her eyes and rubs her forehead. "I know."

"You could come with. Like I said, Eric and Luis will be out there too," he offers.

She removes her hand from under his and crosses her arms. "No, um...my legs are kind of bothering me lately so hiking probably isn't the best idea and, um, Michael Tobin had a cute idea for some book promo so I think I’ll hang back and work on that."

He looks up at her. "Why won't you tell me if you're upset about it?"

"Scott, I'm not upset about it," she insists and begins shimmying into her sweatpants. "It sounds fun. Take some nice pictures, okay?" She unties her robe and throws her tank top on. "And don't get injured or whatever."

He looks her up and down. "Okay."

He goes to the rink with Kaitlyn and Andrew to help out with their tango that afternoon while Tessa stays behind.

***

“So, like, what are you guys?” Jackie asks a few days later on their way up the lake.

He looks over at her. “Who, me and Tess?”

She gives him a knowing look. “Everyone wants to know.”

He chuckles. “Yeah, they do. I think we’d like to know, ourselves.”

“All this time and you haven’t talked about it?”

Scott shrugs. “There’s a lot to unpack. But we’ll get there.”

She laughs. “I remember when you guys were kids and everyone being like “they are totally going to end up married one day.” She pauses. “But you’re not, I guess.”

Scott shakes his head. “It’s been a crazy year.” He’s desperate to change the subject, this being the last thing he wants to talk to her about.

She continues to push. “So if you’re not…are you single?”

He takes a deep breath. “I guess technically, yes.”

“Good to know.” They stop at the lookout, the crowds thinning as the sun begins to set. “Wow. This is really gorgeous.”

Scott looks around. “Yeah, it is.”

She reaches out for his hand and he lets her take it. “Thanks for coming up here.”

He looks over and gives her a quick wink. “You bet.”

There’s a beat before she kisses him hard. He’s surprised when he feels himself kissing her back.

***

He feels like shit for the entire ride back. Absolute shit. He’s silent and curled up against the door, causing Eric to glance at him in the rearview mirror.

He just wants Tess right now. But he doesn’t want Tess. He has no idea how he’ll be able to look her in the eye from now on.

When he gets back to the hotel room he immediately goes into the bathroom and splashes cold water on his face and braces himself against the sink. He tells himself that it wasn't cheating, since it was just a kiss and he and Tess aren't really defining what they are to each other right now anyway. He's not going to see Jackie again for a while.

It was just a thing, that's it. It's okay. It's going to be okay.

He's going to wake up tomorrow and this won't be anything and Tess will still be there and it'll all be okay.

He brushes his teeth, leaving the bathroom light on so that he doesn't trip over any suitcases as he heads back to the room.

He takes her in as walks towards the bed. Tessa is fast asleep, hair in a messy top knot. The book she was reading has fallen out of her hand and landed on the mattress next to her. She shifts slightly, pulling the comforter closer to her.

She's beautiful. She looks at peace. And why wouldn't she. Nothing is going wrong. The tour is great so far. They get to hang out with their friends every day. They created this thing from the ground up and they get to see it through. They're having a blast. The comeback was nearly perfect. They have three gold medals. Everyone loves them.

Nothing is going wrong.

He loves her.

Nothing is going wrong.

She loves him.

NOTHING is going wrong.

_Fuck._

He rushes back into the bathroom and hits the floor with his knees, vomiting into the toilet.

***

"Wait, take a picture," Tessa insists, turning around in the crosswalk.

He rolls his eyes. "Oh, the life of an Instagram partner," he jokes. "Smile, babe." She laughs as he takes the photo and Air Drops it to her. "One day you'll give me photo credit, right?"

She laughs. "Nah, let's keep them guessing." He threads his fingers through hers as they sprint across the rest of the crosswalk. There's something nice about being in a place where no one knows them -- they're anonymous and free, just another cute couple out for an evening exploration stroll. It's good.

He's texted Jackie a few times since Lake Louise, mostly just to say "hey" or if she finds a video he thinks would be funny. The other night as he was going to bed she sent him a message that was just the kiss emoji and he felt his stomach drop, and hoped that Tessa wasn’t looking over his shoulder at the time.

But he looks over at Tessa now and she's there and it's okay. It's all okay. Nothing is going wrong.

She looks up at him and squeezes his hand tighter. "You all right?"

He smiles and kisses the top of her head. "I'm great."

She burrows into his shoulder. "Okay. This the place?" she says, pointing to a restaurant that a friend of his who went to McAlester had recommended.

They grab a booth near the back and his phone buzzes shortly after they get their menus.

<<How rude! You're in my country and didn't even tell me?>>

He pauses. How the hell does she know that? <<Haha sorry. How’d you know?>>

Three dots. <<A little thing called Instagram, of course. I keep tabs on you 😉>>

He sighs. "Everything okay?" Tessa asks from across the table.

He looks up at her and smiles. "Yeah, of course."

She accepts his answer and looks back down at the menu. "This all looks so good. I'm thinking something carb-heavy, you?”

He looks back down at his phone. <<Seems like we're a little far from FL, haha.>>

Three dots. <<I know, I just miss you ❤️>>

A wave of nausea floods him and looks back at the menu. "I'm not sure, actually. Maybe something light. Don't want to get too fat for my costumes."

Tessa gives him a tiny smile. "Stop that. You're still devastatingly handsome."

Another buzz. <<Anyway, just teasing, haha. See you in Nashville soon! 😘>>

Nashville?

Nashville.

_Oh shit, Nashville._

***

The tour is better than they ever imagined. He still gets to tell Tessa he loves her every night during “Moulin Rouge” and he'll always feel at home when she's in his arms at the end of their program. They flirt during "4 Minutes" and push the boundaries of their physical attraction.

Off-ice, he playfully unties her skates for her while the rest of the cast rolls their eyes. They cuddle in the back of the bus and drive Elvis crazy. She slides her hand down his inner arm and holds his hand tight as they exit the ice. They slip into their own conversations during meet and greets, letting fans who paid good money to talk with them be third-wheeled.

She falls asleep on his shoulder, his arm pulling her close, in the backseat of her mom's car on the way home from Sarnia. They spend one night there, his head resting on her back, his arm slung around her waist. They giggle and take stupid pictures all night at an Air Canada event and he playfully tears her jumpsuit off when they get back to their hotel room, kissing her neck and covering his body with hers on the bed. He loves her. So fucking much. Nothing is going wrong. For the moment, Jackie is forgotten.

Except when his phone occasionally buzzes with a text from her about the Leafs, or asking if he has any restaurant preferences in Nashville because she got some recommendations from friends, or just a simple "I miss you 😘"

He doesn't have to respond, but he usually does.

***

Tessa is never afraid to call him on his bullshit. She's not shy in saying she doesn't like an idea, or to let him know when he's acting like an ass, or when to leave him alone when he's getting moody. She knows him better than anyone. Nothing about him scares her. It never has. She loves and accepts him, completely. Knowing that should be comforting.

It scares him shitless.

When she's in a meeting in Toronto one day, he calls up Jackie to chat. He's moody and pissed and she just tells him how brilliant he is, how everyone must love the tour, how handsome he looks in all those costumes she keeps seeing on YouTube.

It's easy. She doesn't ask for much. The distance helps. She doesn't know about his worst qualities yet, she's not calling him on his bullshit, she hasn't told him no. It’s simple and really not that deep.

He doesn’t worry that he’s not good enough for her and that one day he’s going to let her down, which always sits in the back of his mind with Tessa.

Maybe that's why he keeps responding to her texts when Tessa isn't looking.

***

They have plans in Nashville. She's agreed to go to at least a few country bars in exchange for some shopping time. They’ll hit up some restaurants that Jen Reid recommended, wander around the Country Music Hall of Fame and Ryman Auditorium for while, drink whiskey, eat hot chicken, and have some alone time.

Except for one minor detail he’s left out.

They're in Toronto for her Adidas event, Tessa getting ready to go out the door, when he mentions that Jackie is going to meet them the day before the show.

"She is?" Tessa asks.

"Yeah, um, Cara got in touch with her and invited her." Scott shrugs. "I guess they're excited to finally be in the same country at the same time."

She inhales. "Weren't you all just in the same country at the same time in Florida? And again last month?"

The memories form a pit in his stomach. "Tess, she's a family friend. Nothing is going on. You guys know a lot of the same people, right?"

"Yeah, everyone in Canada knows everyone else," she says sarcastically, grabbing her bag.

"Tess."

"It's fine. It is what it is, right?” She checks her phone. “The car’s here.”

“She’s only coming for the show and the gala,” he assures her. “We’ll still have the days after the master class.”

“Okay,” Tessa says. “I have to go. I’ll see you at the airport.” She shuts the hotel room door behind her and he flops down onto the bed.

***

He's tense at the post-show gala. Jackie, Cara and Tessa are dancing together, and Tessa's either gotten better than he remembers at having a media face or she really is fine with Jackie’s presence. He catches her talking to Jackie occasionally, but Jackie’s mostly hanging out with Cara.

He’d rather not be here. He’s polite to fans but not too friendly. There's a tension in him that he can't quite define, but he'd prefer be left alone to stew in himself than deal with it right now.

Tessa runs over talk with Ashley Wagner and Kaitlyn, and Jackie sits down at their table. He walks over to her for a quick chat. "How's it going?" he asks.

She grins up at him. "I'm having a blast! This is so much fun."

He smiles back. "I'm glad you flew out here for this."

Her expression changes. "Really?"

He puts his hand on top of hers. "Really. This is good."

She leans in. "I've missed you, you know." She rests her elbow on the table in front of him. "Can we talk later tonight? Like, really talk?"

He glances at the dance floor. Tessa, Ashley and Kaitlyn are jumping around in a circle to “I Wanna Dance With Somebody,” his mom and Aunt Carol are refilling at the bar, and his dad and Uncle Paul are around here somewhere.

His eyes go back to Tessa. No matter how tonight ends, he’s going to hurt her.

( _You always hurt her_ , a little voice in the back of his head tells him)

“Hey.” Jackie’s hand on his thigh brings him out of his thoughts. “Did you hear what I said?”

He looks back at her, her eyes wide and ready to give him everything.

“Yeah. Sure,” he tells her with a wink.

He avoids Tessa the rest of the night and hope she doesn’t notice.

He finally runs into her at coat check. “Eric and I are going to grab a drink after we change, want to come?”

“Umm..." he glances over at Jackie, chatting with Andrew. “No, I'm kind of beat. And we have that coaching thing tomorrow so…"

“Oh. Okay.” Tessa looks disappointed. “Are you alright?”

He nods, maybe a little too enthusiastically. “Yeah, why?”

“You just seem kind of...not all here,” she says. “Just let me know if something is up, okay? Please.”

She loves him. And he's an ass. “I'm fine, I promise. Just tired.” He glances around to make sure no one's looking and places a quick kiss on her forehead. “I'll see you later tonight, okay?”

She nods and doesn’t question him further.

***

He walks Jackie back to her room, holding her up as she giggles. “Open bar, am I right?” he laughs.

“So if I start hanging out with you again do I get to go to more of these?” she teases.

“Eh, it’s not all glamour and fun,” he says as she fiddles with her key card and lets them into her room.

“That’s too bad, I could get used to this,” she says. She pauses as she plays with his shirt buttons. “So…about that talk.”

Scott sighs. “You know, I’m kind of a little drunk, so I’m not sure that talking is the best idea right now…”

She giggles and yanks him onto the bed, where he falls onto his side. “No, but seriously. I keep thinking about you and whenever I see your name on my phone I just get so happy and…” She looks at him sideways before falling over to face him. “I’ve been looking forward to this since I last saw you and I know a long-distance thing would be tough, but…” She reaches out to finger his collar. “I don’t know. Maybe it’s worth it?”

She’s looking up at him with doe eyes and Scott blinks, trying to avoid too much eye contact. “I’m really glad you’re here too and it’s been fun catching up, but things have been so crazy lately that I don’t know that I could even think straight about anything right now.”

She stares at him. “Is it Tessa?”

He blanches for a moment. “She and I are…complicated, yes.”

“But you’re here with me right now, not her.” She moves his hand down his chest. “So just let me know what you want.” Her hand goes lower. “I know exactly what I want.”

He closes his eyes, swallows and dives in, pulling her in for a kiss.

***

"Cara said you're getting your star on the Walk of Fame," she says as she runs her hands over his naked chest. "You star."

Scott looks down at her. "Yeah, we are." He pauses and the words leave his mouth before he realizes what he said. "You could come."

Her eyes light up. "Really? That would be so fun.”

“Yeah, it would,” he says.

She sits up and straddles him. “You deserve it, you know. After all this.” She bends forward to kiss his chest and traces her tongue down his body.

He should feel guilty right now. He should be getting dressed and getting the hell out of this room right now, running back to Tessa and begging for forgiveness. But as Jackie’s lips go lower, he’s not sure where his head is.

***

He makes it back to his and Tessa’s room the next morning and she's thankfully not there. He tears off his shirt, throwing it on the ground like it's cursed, and changes into his gear for the master class later.

He still smells like her perfume mixed with whiskey. His head hurts. He hates himself.

How the hell did last night happen.

Tessa comes in a few minutes later, carrying a banana and a cup of coffee. "Hi."

He gives her a quick smile. "Hey."

She drops her breakfast onto the dresser top. "I texted your mom last night, she said she wasn't sure where you ended up..."

His face goes pale. "No, yeah, I was so tired and Cara and Jackie and I were talking and I just ended up passing out on their floor. It was late and I didn't want to wake you."

Tessa seems to accept that answer and slowly nods. “Okay." Her eyes can’t meet his and a wave of guilt washes over him.

He walks over and holds her as tight as he can. "I'm so sorry." He's apologizing for everything and she has no idea.

***

He holds her hand more than usual as they walk around the Gulch the next day, and he offers to take as many pictures of her as she wants. He carries her shopping bags and buys her as much chocolate at Colt’s as they’ll be able to fit into their suitcases. They have a 6 AM flight back to Toronto so they can make it to their last tour stop in St. John's and she falls asleep on his shoulder the minute they put their seat belts on.

It’s okay. They’ve almost made it. It’s going to be okay.

***

Jackie texts him on the morning of their last show. <<Kill it tonight, babe! 😘 Which outfit do you like best for next week?>>

There’s pictures of her in a red jumpsuit, a black v-neck dress, and one of her in her lingerie. He glances around and makes sure no one’s looking.

<<Well that last one, of course 😉 But I do like the red on you.>>

He waits for her to respond. <<Can’t wait. I’ll have both on for you 😘🍆>>

“Hey.” He looks up to see Tessa coming towards him down the arena hallway.

He shoves his phone into his pocket and smiles at her. “Last day. We did it, kiddo.”

She presses his lips to hers. “Yeah, we did.” She rests her forehead on his and laces her fingers behind his neck. “I’m so proud of you.”

He grins back at her. Nothing is going wrong.

***

He takes her hand in his at the end of “Moulin Rouge,” squeezing it close to him. “Babe.”

She gives him a smiles that lights up his world. “Thank you,” she replies.

 _For what_ , he asks himself.

They break apart to skate off and tears fill his eyes as they jump behind the quick change curtain.

"Baby." He looks down at her hand on his shoulder. "We did it."

He wants to tell her that's not why he's upset. He brings her to him for a tight hug. “I love you,” he murmurs.

She grins and returns the hug. “I love you, too.”

That pit in his stomach is getting wider.

_You’re only going to hurt her._

***

He’s silent on the flight home. On Monday, he slips out to go to the rink while she’s unpacking and throwing things in the laundry. He answers his mother and his aunt in single syllables and despite working up a sweat from hours of helping out the junior teams at the rink, he keeps his hoodie on as long as possible, hoping to hide from the world.

He turns down his mother's invitation for dinner and ends up driving around for a few hours instead, the Hip blaring from his speakers, hoping to make some sense of the last few weeks. But nothing is making sense. Jackie’s coming to Toronto later that week, at his invitation, and he’s got to see it through to some extent. He has to let Tessa know about that, and about Nashville, so she doesn’t hear it from somewhere else.

The playlist switches to “Long Time Running” and he wants to crawl inside himself.

He wishes he had never taken Cara’s invitation to go to Florida in the first place.

He gets back to Tessa's place right as she’s getting ready for bed. “What the hell?” she asks as he enters the bedroom.

He swallows. “Sorry. Just went out to clear my head.”

“Scott.” She sits on her knees on the bed, facing him in front of her. “What is going on? You’ve been like this since Nashville.”

He can feel the bile rising in the back of his throat. “I’m so sorry, Tess. It’s…” He is not going to tell her this now. He can’t. “It’s just hard not knowing what comes next.”

Her expression softens and she motions for him to sit on the bed. “I’m freaked out, too,” she tells him as he sinks down next to her. She rubs her hand up and down his back, soothingly, trying to work out the tension. “But we have all that stuff coming up this weekend and we're going to celebrate us and it’s going to be great. And then we can sit down and figure this all out. Together.”

She takes his hand and he wants to cry.

_Nothing is going wrong._

He holds her a little tighter than usual that night and gets no sleep.

***

He can feel the foreboding creeping in the next morning.

He hasn't felt it in years. Not since after Sochi, not since after the last time he woke up on Charlie and Nicole's couch after blacking out at 3 in the afternoon. Not since his parents sat him down shortly after that and explained that they were worried about him and that maybe he should think about therapy. Not since he and Tessa locked eyes across a bar inside a castle in Scotland and started this crazy journey again.

It's crushing and terrifying. He looks over at Tessa, starting to stir.

_You're only going to hurt her._

But if he's learned anything, it's that he has to be honest with her.

"Baby?" she asks sleepily, rolling over. "What's wrong?"

His heart is racing, palms sweating. He can't meet her eyes. He thinks he's getting tunnel vision and he takes a breath to steady himself.

"Scott? You're scaring me." Her eyes are full of worry as she sits up and faces him. "Are you okay?"

He loves her. So fucking much.

_Nothing is going wrong._

He takes a deep breath.

"Tess, I..." he stops and rubs his nose. "I'm so sorry."

"What??" Her eyes are wide. "Scott?"

She touches his shoulder and he flinches. "Don't. Please." She draws her hand back and drops it on the comforter in front of her. "I...you...we..." He feels like he's going to vomit. "Jackie and I, we..." He wipes his eyes. "I'm sorry."

Her expression drops and realization crosses her face. She takes a while before responding. “I see.”

"I'm so sorry," he repeats.

Tessa swallows. "For how long?"

He lets out a shallow breath. "Not long. Just...it happened in Nashville and I don't want to lie to you and..." he trails off.

She nods. “Oh.” She closes her eyes and looks down, tracing a pattern on the comforter. "So...everything you told me about her and Florida and the lake..."

"She actually is a family friend, Tess," he insists. "I didn't...I didn't lie about that. And nothing happened there."

She stares blankly ahead. "So...is it over now? Just the one time?"

He can't look at her as he purses his lips and holds his breath. "No."

She looks up at him in disbelief. "No?"

He exhales quickly. "I just...this is all happening so fast and I don't know what's going on and...she's coming this weekend and I didn't want you to be blindsided by that."

_You're only going to hurt her._

Her eyes widen. "She's coming this weekend," Tessa repeats flatly and draws her knees into her chest.

_You always hurt her._

He nods. "Yeah." He rubs his hand over his face. "Look, Tess, I -- "

"You need to leave."

He stares at her. "Can I just — “

"Go. Please. Get dressed and leave." Her voice is even and cold.

_You ALWAYS hurt her._

He looks over at her. She can't make eye contact with him. She's not crying. She's not moving. She just seems...numb.

He grabs a few changes of clothes and his toothbrush and stuffs them into an overnight bag. On his way out, he looks back into the bedroom. She's where he left her, her back to the door, not moving. "Tess..."

She doesn't respond.

He doesn't remember getting in his car. He doesn't remember driving to his parents' house. He doesn't remember letting himself in, seeing that his parents weren't home, and doesn't remember dropping everything back in his old bedroom. He doesn't remember pacing around, trying to catch up with his thoughts and burn off energy. He doesn't remember letting out a guttural scream into the empty quiet of the house.

Everything is going wrong.

***

The Thank You Canada broadcast is cancelled, or postponed indefinitely, because of "post-production challenges," which means "there's too much to edit out and around because of all this and..." Russell had sighed on the phone when he told them. "This just isn't great timing, guys."

_Yeah, no shit._

When his mother, noticing his bags in his old bedroom, asks what happened, he shrugs. "We're still figuring stuff out," he mutters as she glances at him sideways and shakes her head.

Jackie lands in Toronto on Thursday morning and jumps into his arms at the hotel. She launches into a story about a baby on her flight or something and he does his best to smile and banter back.

He doesn't see Tessa until their book signing, then she disappears until it's time to leave for the dinner Thursday night.

She doesn't speak to him at all until she absolutely has to at any event that next weekend. The car ride over to the Walk of Fame — the event they had both been looking forward to for months — is nearly silent instead of giddy. He barely talks to Jackie all night, except when they jump onto the dance floor because why the hell not. Charlie and Danny are supportive but obviously pissed at him. At one point, Tessa and his mother disappear. Tessa’s dad, suddenly back in the picture, says as little as possible to him. Jackie sends Tessa daggers with her eyes, which Tessa gracefully ignores. He can't even look at Tessa without feeling a huge pang of guilt.

***

Back at the hotel that night, he can’t stop pacing around the room.

He hates this. He hates all of this.

He wishes they had gotten the silver so that they'd still be the underdogs and people would pay less attention to them and he and Tessa could have just lived their life like they were planning on doing. He hates Jackie for quitting when they were kids, because he and Tessa never would have been partners and maybe then they would have just met normally and they would have dated like normal people and gotten married like normal people and lived out their lives like normal people. He hates Tessa for insisting they wait until after the tour to talk about things, even though they both knew where they were going. He hates the world for putting pressure on them to define what they are, when things were going great as they were. He hates Cara most of all for giving his number to Jackie and fucking everything up. He hates Canada for putting him on a pedestal when he is the last person in the world who deserves it.

He meant it when he said that Tessa deserves a star because he sure as hell doesn't. Not him. Anyone but him.

He's never felt less comfortable in his own skin.

***

He lies in his bed at his parents' house, staring at that same spot. There's five missed calls from Jackie on his phone now. He should own up to all of this and either call her back and break up, or call her back and commit. But he can't move and can't bring himself to reach up for the phone. He can't bring himself to go downstairs and apologize to his parents and beg them to take him back to therapy and get him on some meds because he really does think he needs them and he's done with being self-destructive. But he can’t. He’s frozen.

In his lowest moments, he's always been able to lean on Tessa. Moving to Canton. Sochi. His grandfather's death. She’s always been there. No questions asked.

If you asked him now, he wouldn’t be able to tell you when he had been there for her like that. Obviously not during her first surgery, when he shoved aside his nascent feelings for her, convincing himself that she was fine and hooked up with Jessica. Not during her darkest moments in Canton, when he should have listened to her about Marina instead of running off to parties or back home to Cassandra. Not during her parents’ divorce, when he figured she was fine and he and Kaitlyn were living it up in every bar between Toronto and Winnipeg.

He doesn’t know when he developed the ability to piss away everything good in his life, but he’s sure as hell tapping into it now. And nothing was going wrong.

_This just didn't happen._

_You didn't let it happen._

_You made it happen._

 

**Author's Note:**

> sooooooo here's the deal.
> 
> 1) i wrote parts 1-4 in pretty quick succession. 5 will come eventually. like scott, i probably screwed up the timing.  
> 2) there's 11ish parts to this whole thing thus far and the second half of those parts will probably be posted after the new year.  
> 3) if they have to suffer, so do you.  
> 4) s/o to bruce and patti for their continued lyrical inspiration.
> 
> yell at me on twitter at @suchplatonic


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